As you were about to leave, you paused and turned to look at me. You had tears welling up in your eyes, and you had this look in them like you were silently begging me to stop you. The door was open and you were fortifying yourself to walk through it.

But I didn’t stop you. I didn’t even get up off the couch to kiss you.

I was so numb.

But this was nothing new. I had been numb for a few years and you were so tired of trying to get me to feel again.

When I realized you were gone, that numbness abandoned me.

I was forced to deal with emotions that I wasn’t prepared for and I chose to deal with them in sort of awful ways. But I did anything but bury them. I wanted to feel every sting, and heartache. I wanted to stare every moment in the face and know it. I never wanted to be numb again.

I’m proud of that.

I will never know if we would have fixed things without you walking out. I like to think we would have. We were young and maybe we weren’t really equipped to handle what we were going through but…that’s what experience gives us.

I hope you know

I loved you.

I still love you.

I will always love you.

I miss your mind.

So much.